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11th November 2020
10:37am GMT
Rory Cashin
00.15 - "Once upon a time..." - Okay, we're gonna stop you right there. Using the phrase "Once upon a time..." would indicate that we're somewhere in the distant past, right? And it is also the beginning of a fairy tale, yes? Okay, so this would automatically make the viewers think they're looking back in time. Also, considering the title of the movie, is he actually saying "Once upon a thyme..."? Discuss.
00.19 - Not quite sure what is happening here. Why is this little girl posing like a sleeping vampire?
00.29 - So we find out that Rosemary's farm is next door to Christopher Walken's farm, and Walken's son Anthony can be seen literally frolicking with the sheep, smelling the flowers, and then ask a star "Why did you make me so?" It does sound like there is another word still to arrive in this question. "Why did you make me so... Irish?" Fair question.
00.33 - We jump forward a few decades, and Rosemary is now a red-haired Emily Blunt (because Irish), and Anthony is now a slightly-greying Jamie Dornan. These two are very fair indications of the average attractiveness of an Irish person and we will be taking no further questions at this thyme time.
00.38 - Emily Blunt's make-up appears to be half made of dirt. Because Irish.
00.41 - Okay. Time out. Someone needs to have a chat with the costume designer, because this... this is a lot to process. Is Blunt attempting to style out an item that you'd normally throw over a horse while they sleep during the winter? And Dornan? Well, to be fair, if Paul Mescal decided to wear this exact outfit (including the land canoe), thirsty Twitter would probably be drooling all over it, so we'll leave it be for now.
00.46 - Dornan is in a small canoe, waving a hurling stick around the air. Because Irish.
00.55 - A lot to process here. Blunt loves Dornan, but Walken doesn't approve, because he thinks his son is crazy. He then delivers the line "He had a ROCK tied to his neck" in a way that is somehow simultaneously Irish and New York. Its actually quite amazing.
00.57 - This dog is all of Ireland watching this trailer.
01.03 - Dornan practises his proposal to Blunt with a donkey, and the donkey laughs, and a peeping neighbour is also laughing. Because Irish.
01.12 - Walken discloses he won't be leaving his farm to his son, which upsets Dornan. We're already full of questions. If Dornan also loves Blunt, why hasn't he proposed already? Are they actually a couple? They must be, right? If he's jumping to engagement and not just asking her out for a drink? And why doesn't Walken want Dornan to have the farm? Aside from waving hurling sticks at thin air and proposing to donkeys and dressing the way he does, he seems perfectly normal to us. We're only half way through the trailer, by the way.
01.17 - Jon Hamm suddenly arrives, an American cousin of Dornan. He shows up in a Rolls Royce, which Dornan seems to check on by... knocking on it? Like he's expected to be invited in?
01.25 - Jamie Dornan is very dressed up for a bit of front-garden metal detecting. Meanwhile, Hamm and Blunt chat and flirt.
This causes Dornan to fall over violently. And this isn't even the first time he's fallen over violently in this trailer.
However, did you notice what we noticed? In the first scene, Hamm is on Blunt's right, and when Dornan falls over, he is on her left. So either this scene is VERY heavily edited from what appears in the final movie, or we're already noticed some major boo-boos.
01.31 - Now we know who to blame for this.
A quick IMDb search reveals he's an Oscar-winner (Best Screenplay for Cher-starring drama Moonstruck), but he's only directed two movies previously: Oscar-magnet abuse drama Doubt, and very, very, very, very, very bad romantic comedy Joe VS The Volcano. We wonder which one has more influence on this movie.
01.34 - "Anthony will never marry." What, why? We've already seen him proposing. To a donkey, sure, but still. "If it comes to that, I'll freeze my eggs!" Wait. What? Freeze your eggs?? What year is this set in?! And how will freezing her eggs make him want to get married?? "You should freeze your whole body if you're waiting for that one!" Is that what has happened here? Were these characters frozen in time, perhaps back in 1950, and reawoken to star in this 2020 movie? It is the only viable explanation I've come up with us so far.
01.41 - Blunt is crying at Swan Lake, because as a country Irish woman, she's never seen an art before.
01.43 - The modern day New York skyline, i.e. proof that this movie must be about time travel. Also, we're not entirely sure why, but this really, really, REALLY doesn't look like Jon Hamm from the back. And Blunt's wig is MUCH redder than every other shot in the movie. Just sayin'.
01.51 - "It was he that kissed me!" First of all, LOL. That sentence is... Good lord. Inexplicable. Secondly, are Dornan and Blunt a couple or not? Who are we supposed to be rooting for here? I'm exhausted.
01.55 - I've only just noticed Dornan's side burns now. Fucking hell. And look! A landline! Seriously, is this about a man from the future falling in love with a woman from the past? That's it, isn't it? I've cracked it!
02.03 - "I don't like a fight!" "Well who does?" "Half of Ireland, just not me!" Because fighting. Because Irish.
02.07 - You thought we wouldn't notice that a part of this movie takes place at a talent contest, didn't you? Well, we did. We did notice. A talent contest. And Blunt will sing her love song, and it will be what causes Dornan to finally realise his true feelings for her. We're on to you, movie!
02.17 - "Anthony, thyme time is running out!" It is? Has that been set up? Is there a ticking clock element we're unaware of? Is the portal allowing the past and the present to interact about to close?
02.20 - If you thought this trailer would end with just two scenes of people suddenly falling over, we've got an update for you...
02.28 - "How many days do we have while the sun shines?" "Its not shining." "I believe that it is." Oh... gosh. Is that this movie's version of the Four Weddings line "Is it raining, I hadn't noticed"? Yikes.
02.39 - We can't wait.
Watch the trailer in full again yourself here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kadUgcIxODM
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