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25th May 2017
06:50pm BST
Now we know we shouldn't complain about the weather... but is anyone else dying a slow and painful death due to the spectacular rise in temperature due to big yellow thing in the sky?
Yep, us too.
Wipe the droplets from your collective brow, friends, for we've put something together that will make you feel a lot less alone.
Sweaty brothers, unite!
Wait, I've to work in this?
I'm going to have to go to work in togs, there's simply no other way.
Or wrists.
Christ.
Anything that covers up sweat patches.
Anything.

I must plunge and never return.
You can't make me get out.
*continuous soft whining while blow-drying hair on coldest setting*
I haven't left the house.

Good God, I should be put down.
BUT IT'S HOTTER THAN THE SUN
Lol, good one
WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?

It's not working.
How am I sweating more?!
A modern day Einstein, me.
I haven't even left the house yet. This is new.
This is really happening. Okay.

Or will I just melt into a sad puddle en route?
FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK.
For fear of frightening the children.
*drops piece of paper due to clammy hands*
SEE.

Just for like a second.
*sticks hand in ice machine*
My favourite.
EIGHT.

EVERYONE SHUT UP THERE'S A BREEZE
My pits! My hair!
I'm reborn!
If anything, I'm hotter than before.
I have no face.

So long, movement.
Does he have a death wish??
DON'T LOOK AT ME. I'VE SEEN PAIN.
*Googles 'coldest drink in the world'*
Nice.

Or pit of frozen liquids. Either or.
Or groin.
Actually, maybe groin.
The floor is lava. And I'm a fragile shard of beautiful ice.
*slowly rises up out of seat in a way as to not squeak, slide or make noises that could be mistaken for flatulence*

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