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26th December 2016
10:11am GMT
Ahhhh Christmas. Sweet, joyous and full of love and laughter amirite?
Well maybe not all the time... because it just so happens that when you get a large group of people together who are all directly/vaguely related, make them sit around one small table and only have ONE remote control – well, combine that with a few sherries and you can bet that Christmas spirit gets fecked out the fake snow covered window before you can say "more gravy plz".
We're guessing that these arguments are pretty similar in every family home over the silly season.
Are you even Irish if you've never fought over the Roses? We bet a family barney strikes up each and every time..
"Mam are you actually having a laugh? These butter biscuits from Aldi are only for the guests?"
What is the actual point of Christmas if certain foods are off limits. Unfair, and a guaranteed blow-up starter.
So you've taken on the burden of buying your Dad's present from you and your siblings, you've spent a good two hours trekking around town and spent all your dollah dollahs - but it'll be ok because you know you'll be repaid.
Eh except then you're not. Skip the stress and just pay up sister!
"Why do I have to do it? I hardly even talk to the woman!" Which is exactly why you have to do it, according to Mammy. Sure otherwise she'd get stuck chatting to them for the whole night and then what would we do?
More than likely you won't win on this one - just smile and suck it up.
We can't decide what's worse: being the over-excited soul who wakes up at 6am and is told to stay in bed until 9am (you can't fall back asleep and just sit up staring at your stocking), or being the peaceful slumberer who is suddenly jumped upon while it's still dark out.
This argument happens every year without fail.
Why on earth is it always your job to look after drinks for the guests? Making bucks fizz, opening beer bottle after beer bottle and generally just walking around your own house like a waiter with wine bottle in hand ready to pounce on any empty glass.
Surely a "help yourselves" policy would be best hmm.
Mother dearest will only have Kate Bush playing for the whole day, Papa wants a quirky selection of "Best Of's..." and you and the cousins would happily settle for classic Christmas tunes on repeat.
Everyone knows that Granny will get the final say and you'll be stuck listening to Il Divo for the entire meal.
The whole family have been raaaaving about your Auntie's homemade stuffing for the past two months, and everyone has agreed it's going to be the main man of the meal.
So when she arrives without it in a fit of forgetfulness - expect World War 3.
Ok hang on a MINUTE. "I thought you loved us all the same?"
Clearly not when you see your parents have gotten your big brother a slick silver watch - and they've bought you "Microwave Cooking For One". Cheers.
Why would anyone buy a four year old child a miniature drum-kit and electronic microphone? Sure, encouraging their musical side is great n' all. But can we please not encourage it on Christmas Day?!
Trust me on this: Four year olds can not carry a tune.
Board games at Christmas time are the cause of divorces, estrangements, and many a court case. (We imagine so, anyway). Whether someone buys a property on Monopoly you've been eyeing up for NO REASON, or they try to cheat on a trivia question - let the anger games commence.
Best to just watch TV this year... Unless you're going to fight over the remote?
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